just don't feel it

It has been over a year since my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. It was a mature break up, I guess you could say. I can not claim that I didn't see it coming since we had been trying to do the long distance thing for almost a year at that point and it had completely stopped working. However, for some reason it shot me down harder than I have ever hurt before. Maybe it was the timing, as I had been struggling with this unemployment thing for a while and my self esteem was incredibly low. Or it could have been just the depression of realizing this person whom I loved and worked so hard to be with, who was my best friend, did want to work any harder to be with me. Either way my reaction wasn't pretty.

I fell into a degree of depression, drank too much and started hanging out with people from work who also drank too much. I made a few terrible decisions and hurt myself and others, but eventually I started to bounce back. Just like anything else, the worst had passed and I had begun to heal.

Its been a year now since the initial pain and something is still bothering me. I haven't been the same since. This may sound really odd, but I just don't feel anymore. I mean this only in regards to relationships I guess. I still feel in every other aspect except when it comes to the opposite sex. I have never in my life been able to cut off emotion from the physical or be able to just drop a guy without an explanation. Never. Until this last year.

These feelings or lack of feelings have kept me from even trying to date at all because it isn't fair to the guy or myself that I get involved when I just don't care.

I made the mistake recently of letting my guard down. I hung out with a guy a couple times had a lot of fun, was attracted to him and even started to feel like I could maybe really be interested, just in time to find out he wasnt. Doesn't that just figure. It's a good thing God blessed me with a sense of humor.

I am still worried though. What if this doesn't get better? I used to be able to love with everything I had. Yeah, it made getting hurt easier and more painful, but it was who I was and it made all of the good parts so much better. I just hope that I'm not permanently broken.