just don't feel it

It has been over a year since my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. It was a mature break up, I guess you could say. I can not claim that I didn't see it coming since we had been trying to do the long distance thing for almost a year at that point and it had completely stopped working. However, for some reason it shot me down harder than I have ever hurt before. Maybe it was the timing, as I had been struggling with this unemployment thing for a while and my self esteem was incredibly low. Or it could have been just the depression of realizing this person whom I loved and worked so hard to be with, who was my best friend, did want to work any harder to be with me. Either way my reaction wasn't pretty.

I fell into a degree of depression, drank too much and started hanging out with people from work who also drank too much. I made a few terrible decisions and hurt myself and others, but eventually I started to bounce back. Just like anything else, the worst had passed and I had begun to heal.

Its been a year now since the initial pain and something is still bothering me. I haven't been the same since. This may sound really odd, but I just don't feel anymore. I mean this only in regards to relationships I guess. I still feel in every other aspect except when it comes to the opposite sex. I have never in my life been able to cut off emotion from the physical or be able to just drop a guy without an explanation. Never. Until this last year.

These feelings or lack of feelings have kept me from even trying to date at all because it isn't fair to the guy or myself that I get involved when I just don't care.

I made the mistake recently of letting my guard down. I hung out with a guy a couple times had a lot of fun, was attracted to him and even started to feel like I could maybe really be interested, just in time to find out he wasnt. Doesn't that just figure. It's a good thing God blessed me with a sense of humor.

I am still worried though. What if this doesn't get better? I used to be able to love with everything I had. Yeah, it made getting hurt easier and more painful, but it was who I was and it made all of the good parts so much better. I just hope that I'm not permanently broken.

a new perspective

Close to a week ago I was forced into a new experience; health care for the uninsured. This may not sound like that big of a deal to most, but for those who have been in a similar situation you can relate. I was terrified. I had been sick for a couple of months and just kept sweeping the issue under the rug. I tried a few homeopathic remedies and some goofy, natural "antibiotics" that were pushed on me at the health food stores. None made a difference and when it came down to the core issue I really needed a prescription.

As a college graduate without a full time position offering benefits, I am completely uninsured. I have been for about a year and a half now and have made it this whole time without a visit to the doctor. So without much knowledge of what I was getting into I stopped by the local Promptcare one afternoon. When called back into the office area to be registered I was asked for my insurance information. I calmly replied, "I do not have any." The woman stopped at gave me a look that is burned into my brain. It was not a judgmental look or a look of disgust it was a look of pity and of embarrassment. I was about to find out why.

Apparently you can not ask a doctor's office how much a visit will be if you are not insured, because they do not know. I was told that I could put a deposit down for a hundred dollars and they would bill me the rest but that the price would depend on which doctor, what tests were done, time of day, day of week, what color my hair was, what the weather was like, which direction the wind was blowing... and so on. I was also given a nice little informational packet and told to go down to public aide and fill out some forms, if they approved me I could get help there.

At this point I wanted to say, very nicely of course, that I really was not a charity case, that I worked hard and made good money I just didn't have an insurance plan. I wanted to defend myself. After that emotional confrontation I was allowed to see the doctor. I sat in a room while a nurse took my blood pressure and my temperature, five minuted later the doctor came in and looked me over. I was careful to not let him touch me for fear of getting charged for it. He was in the room for a max of ten minutes, made a guess at what was wrong with me, wrote me a prescription and told me to come back in three days if I wasn't better.

Needless to say I was not going to go back whether the medicine worked or not. Speaking of which, I had to go through the entire embarrassing insurance conversation all over again when I went to pick up my prescription and I will not even go in to how much that cost. I received the finalized bill for my little trip to the doctor's office just yesterday. Apparently it costs $250.00 in this country to have a doctor not know what is wrong with you, guess and then write you a prescription that may or may not work.

As I try to figure out how I am going to pay for that, I invite you to reconsider how you feel about health care and insurance reform. There is a problem here that needs to be addressed and I am happy that we have a leader willing to make the tough decisions and take the unpopular steps toward a solution.

getting over myself

Growing up my mother would always tell me that the best way to get over the blues is to do something for someone else. In the last year I have spent way too much time obsessing over my future, my situation, my feelings, my life and all that it has created is more frustration. I still want to figure out my next steps but I can't keep doing this.

I went to youth group tonight. The youth group that I went to when I was in high school. The youth group that held all of my closest friends and greatest memories. The kids that are in there now are in desperate need for adults to commit to working as sponsors for them and even though I may not be the best Christian role model in the world, I would like to give it a shot. I want to create something for them that is as wonderful as what I had when I was that age.

I do not have the slightest idea of how to do it, all I know is that thinking about giving them something that they could love being a part of gives me a lot of joy. Doing more for them and for God might be what I need to keep my mind off of myself. And who knows... I may even straighten myself out in the process.

happy labor day

I ready an article this morning about the current bleak employment situation on this years labor day. One job for every six searchers, fifteen million unemployed Americans and a 10% jobless rate. Needless to say, this didn't do much for my morale. As a job seeker myself I can't even begin to explain how defeating it is to know that you stand very little chance. There are so many people out there looking right now and as a recent college grad, I know most of them have more experience than me. I'm trying to keep an open mind and a positive attitude but all labor day is nothing more than a frustrating reminder.

Me being a big bummer today could also have something to do with the fact that it is beautiful outside and I am sick, but I'm going to spread the blame around.

Enjoy your day off and remember to give thanks for the jobs we do have even if it isn't everything we want!

luck of the Irish

I sent my baby sister off across an ocean today. She is studying abroad in Limerick, Ireland for the semester and we dropped her off at the airport today. My partner in crime as left me once again and is beginning one of the biggest adventures of her life. I could not be more excited for her and jealous of her.

The silver lining in this for me is that now I have someone to go visit. I have been watching plane ticket prices go up and down for a while now and I finally got tired of waiting. As of right now I will be heading over there in about a month and a half, right in the middle of her semester. Ireland has never been on my list of places I need to see at some point in my life, but now that I'm staring this trip in the face i could not be more excited.

I will only be there for two weeks and my travel will most likely be limited to public transportation, but from what I've researched my possibilities are still vast. I will continue to update on my planning and on my sister's adventure overseas!

I love when life presents us with new and exciting opportunities!

running up hill

I completed my first trail run on Saturday morning. It was a 5k through the woods after a weekend of rain, so you can use your imagination as to what I looked liked when it was over. I've been "running" all summer, using that term loosely. My run is more like a jog, or a brisk walk with a bounce. I'm slow. Anyway, it was really fun and I'm very proud of myself and my friend Jaclyn for getting up early and making the whole way.

A few good things to know if you are thinking about doing a trail run is that you WILL feel it in muscles that you didn't know you had, slowing down on a huge muddy hill is a terrible idea and it can be rough for people who don't pick up their feet enough. Lots of things to trip on. But I can't knock the scenery and the people who do these races are pretty cool as well.

On another note, I am renewing my energy toward finding a new job. I have given myself a deadline at the pub and am holding myself to no excuses. If I can't find something by then I will at least have to find a different part time job and get myself out of that atmosphere. I have no doubt it is going to be hard and that I will have even less money than I have now, but when it comes down to it... it's what I need to do. So the search continues with a new vigor.

wish me luck!

Can you canoe?... or kayak?

At the beginning of this week I found myself with a few extra days off of work and a desperation to get away. When I get to this point, as I often do serving my time as an over-worked waitress, I find that nothing calms my mind or my spirit like being out in nature. It relaxes me, centers my thoughts and is somewhat of a spiritual thing as well. I've never felt as close to God in a church as I do when I'm out in his creation. So this week I was lucky enough to take advantage of a friend's offer to teach me how to kayak.

I left on Sunday morning and pushed through the 8 hour drive to Pine City, Minnesota with only two stops for gas, snacking essentials and a bathroom break. After a delicious dinner and a good nights sleep, me and my "river guide" Jake loaded up the truck with two kayaks and all of his camping gear. I am still in awe of how he got all of that stuff in the tiny compartments that those boats have.

My kayaking experience took place on the St. Croix River which runs along between Minnesota and Wisconsin. It is a beautiful, clean and well taken care of river with numerous camping areas along the banks. We put in at Thayers landing, I believe, and made it all the way down to Nelsons Landing on Monday. I think we decided it was about 20 miles or so. A pretty good chunk for my first time.

I caught on to the techniques of it all pretty quickly. The getting in and out without tipping, the paddling and turning. I'm still hopelessly awkward with it all, but I got it done. I knew I was doing it right because I could really feel the burn in my arms, back and neck toward the end of our first day. We had a good wind to paddle against for most of the day as well which didn't make it easier. I don't want to discourage anyone from trying something like this because I loved it and would do it again in a heartbeat, but my arms hurt so bad Monday night I thought I was going to be sick. :)

Tuesday's leg of the trip was only 10 miles but we did hit a few small sections of rapids. Those were incredibly fun and gave you an added power boost to your paddling. The river was a bit low in places which caused us to scrape over or ram into rocks occasionally and get out to walk a few times.

We saw cranes and eagles and a few deer along the way, stopped and looked at the Sandrock cliffs and just enjoyed the beauty of it all. I don't feel that many people realize how beautiful that area of the country is. Being from the Midwest I too am guilty of forgetting that there is more to it all than just farmland. It may be easier than I thought to find new places to explore close to home.

I am incredibly thankful to Jake for getting my hooked on kayaking and I can't wait to do it again. I am even considering getting my own boat! I came back to work today with a slight sunburn and a refreshed attitude, but I am still keeping an eye open for my next adventure.